Mkay... so as most of my friends know since Friday, we had to put our dog to sleep and thats been bumming me the fuck out beyond belief. She was about the sweetest, goofiest, neediest dog to ever live and even now we miss her an awful lot.
Her name was Sarah Jane Wags Her Tail. Yeah, full name... Her Kidneys were dying and so was she because of it. She was out spoiled little princess... May she live in peace. This week has been hard cause we knew it was gonna happen and it wasn't any easier accepting it before the time. Gonna miss that chubby pup... I really am.
Then on Saturday night, I got into it with a few friends of mine again over my series Terra... and that did not help me in any way. I sorta started, though. Some time ago my friend made a comment about Terra and had the belief I was writing an erotic story.
Saying this now, I would like to write and draw porn. I have nothing against porn. I love porn. We all do, and there really isn't much shame in it even if you got some freaky fetish. If I could do it, I would do it. And I may be able to do it, but in no way was I planning it with Terra. Terra was going to be a legit fantasy story I was gonna do just for the fun of it and let people like or dislike it as they please when I finally got to doing it.
More on that in a minute...
Now when my friend made the assumption of it being erotic... it was on a unrelated circumstance. In one chapter that I wrote out(Which is posted) there was one scene where the main female lead was taking a bath alongside Ak, the dragon, and nothing else happened. It was sorta odd, awkward moment, but I had plans involved and I felt it made sense for the story that was to be written out.
And due to that one moment in one chapter, Terra was degraded to pandering erotica and it upsets me so that my legit efforts are shoved off the table like that. Its one thing if someone isn't sure what to say, or if they do not like it... that's fair. Its gonna upset me, but I'll live.
What bothers me the most though is that Terra wasn't reduced to this because of any other reason. Later I did draw porn with Terra characters, though. Why? Well, because I'm perverted and its hard not too...
Now if Terra was assumed to be some erotic story after that, I could understand the reason to think that. I drew porn of it then, so it would be a completely justified assumption. That was not the case, though. My friend, a very important friend, is the one who said it and meant it.
I don't think anyone understands how much that hurts me in the end. I've been thinking over the situation for weeks and weeks, and in the end I don't feel justified in how bad I feel. Why is that? I really hate how my efforts are shrugged off for pandering porn, but all I'm doing is whining and pouting.
Thats where the subject gets hard to talk about, because I feel down right silly even mentioning it in the end. People will tell me "do it for yourself" and then that starts something else that bothers me.
If we draw and create for ourselves... why do we publicly post our art and writings? Everyone says "Do it for yourself" and yet we want people to look at it and judge it. Do It Yourself makes no sense at all. If we do stuff for ourselves, then we should keep it for ourselves and never show anyone because sharing it would be a pointless thing to do.
thats a oxymoron that I have a harsh realization too. No one on her, or FA or Tumblr does stuff for themselves. We draw, we write and we want people to see it. The rule applies to me too. There is no sugar coating it in my opinion at all. If we choose to post stuff online for the world to see, then Do It For Yourself is not a very strong piece of advice.
Now there is nothing wrong with that advice flat out. You can do stuff for others AND yourself at the same time. Here is the problem: When you want to do stuff and post it online, you want people to naturally like it, or at least give constructive criticism if you don't agree with it, or not say anything at all if you do not like it.
And THEN now I can circle back to my problem. No one likes my effort, or like some, just marks it down as sexual pandering. That makes me not want to do the story of Terra at all. Why would I with that? There will always be people who dont care or dont like what you do. I find it just a little harder to cope because its my friends who on occasion say something that I myself do not like.
Then when when I mention this to someone, cause I do vent on occasion to other friends... they say "well, why don't you just stay away from them? They don't sound like very good friends" .... well, thats where things get complicated.
I don't have far too many ideals that I hold dearly, but I do got one above all others I never forget.
No matter what my friends do, no matter how much I may fight them, how we bark at each other; no matter the bumps in the road... I am not going to leave my friends.
Life is not black and white, especially when it comes to having relationships like friends. Everything in our nature is made of hundreds of shades of grey. Its a lake of water, not a puddle or a sinkhole. You will have bad days with your friends. You will have good days with you friends. You will have days where you feel your friends never, ever stand by your side, even though they do. Friends are special, and that goes double for me.
That is even more noticeable given we had to put our dog to sleep. Sarah was the family friend. Dogs and cats both have an unknowingly strong ideal.. its just nature to move in packs and all, but its inspiring. They stay by your side no matter what. Even if you whack them over the head for killing your pet rabbit, they still stay by your side with unwaveringly loyalty that never breaks.
If I was ever an animal, I suppose I'd be a cat or dog then.
Where does this leave me? In a complicated position which I ain't sure what exactly to do.
But one thing I think is gonna happen is that I am not gonna write Terra. Either I'm gonna drop it entirely... or I really am gonna reduce it to a ordinary porno series just for the hell of it. I did say I wanted to draw porn and junk. My gripe is that I want to respect my characters for Terra and not just turn them all into porn stars.
I got no clue what I am gonna do...
The week has been an odd adventure of sorts of self exploration. It all started out as an open vent, but now its like I rediscovered some aspects of me that I hold dear. Why is holding the burden of humanity so damn heavy? bah.